Thinking about Anthony Bourdain.

Ever since Anthony Bourdain took his own life in June, I have had a hard time processing it. And I honestly can’t pinpoint why, so I’m free style writing this in my blog to try and make sense of my feelings about this. It’s not related to anything “glam” or beauty/fashion, so I completely understand if you don’t want to read it.

I need to, however write about this because it’s weighing on me.

First I want to say that I was not a diehard fan of Bourdain’s. I watched some episodes of Parts Unknown for the travel, food and interesting people he would meet, but I didn’t know much about Anthony himself. This is why it is odd that his death has affected me way more than say, Chris Cornell, who I was a fan for 20 plus years and had actually met in real life.

Why is this? Why do I find myself crying reading about his thoughts about his own death and funeral Well first, I didn’t know Bourdain was as sad and depressed as we are finding out after his death. Or I am finding out. He seemed to genuinely enjoy life and going on adventures in different parts of the world and meeting all kinds of interesting folks. This seems like a full, rich life in my book, but again some people need a companion. Okay, enter Asia Argento.

Now I supported Asia when she first came out with her MeToo story and I defended her after Bourdain’s death when people were blaming her. I genuinely thought that she was being scapegoated in the same way Courtney Love was when Kurt Cobain died.

However, when the story broke about Argento’s own sexual assault of a minor and Anthony’s involvement in helping her financially with lawyers and paying the victim, I turned my back on her. Especially when she came out and essentially tried to lay blame on Anthony. That was low. The man is dead and she’s trying to use him as a meat shield for her abhorrent behavior.

I feel for Tony in this scenario. He fell in love with a troubled younger woman and was trying to help her. I honestly don’t believe he thought past that. She came to him with this problem and like a man in love would do, he tried to protect her.

Then I think, it probably started to weigh on him exactly what he did and what she did and he felt bad. This is all speculation on my part, obviously I don’t know both parties. Just disclaimer there.

But I speculate that he started thinking about things after he already paid the victim and questioned whether she may in fact had done something and was lying to him. Then of coarse, when she was spotted canoodled with French reporter Hugo Clément. I read that she had posted something on her IG that was possibly directed at Tony right around that time, but deleted shortly after, so I won’t speak on that. But it does make me wonder if things were not great between them.

She has later come out and stated they had a “free relationship” “without borders” so she’s trying to push the narrative that Tony wouldn’t have been upset by that, as they had an open relationship. I don’t buy it. I also think it did upset him. Look, it’s disrespectful to him no matter. If you are publicly with someone and then are photographed holding hands with another, I’m sorry, that is cheating and that is disrespecting the person you claim to be your “one.”

Tony had every right to be upset or angry by that and I do think it made him feel used at the end of the day. Here he is, helping her financially and keeping her secret, proudly tweeting about how proud he is for her standing up to sexual abusers, knowing she could possibly be one and is using MeToo as an opportunity for attention. I mean, she did get that gig on X Factor Italy, for which she’s since been removed from.

I don’t know guys, this pains me to think a man who was battling depression his whole life, but kept it together enough to go from dishwasher to world renowned chef, writer, storyteller, to publish books, have a successful show, live to be in his 60’s was possibly destroyed by this woman’s betrayal.

It makes me think, that you can meet the wrong person at any age, and they can do you so wrong that it impossible to get over. Of coarse, maybe I’m giving her too much power. Maybe Anthony Bourdain was suffering The Big Sadness and it would have eventually enveloped and swallowed him at some point.

I can’t say, but I think about him often and it makes me sad. It makes me sad that there was literally no one he could turn to and confide in that could have talked him down off the ledge.

Maybe, I’m worried that could happen to any of us, or maybe I’m just worried about myself. I don’t have any answers with this post. I’m just thinking about Anthony today.

And I wish he was still with us.

“Maybe that’s enlightenment enough: to know that there is no final resting place of the mind; no moment of smug clarity. Perhaps wisdom is… realizing how small I am, and unwise, and how far I have yet to go.” — Anthony Bourdain