So yesterday I went to my primary doctor and finally decided to swallow my pride and tell him honestly that I need help. I have been feeling severely low in mood and energy for too long now. If I’m being honest, the last 10 years of my life, not in therapy, have been pretty uneventful. Not catastrophic, but also not moving in an upward motion, but rather a steady movement in the same direction, the direction towards apathy. Maybe I’ve made little baby steps upward, but not enough in my opinion. My mood is always the same, just meh, unless I get mad. If I could use an emoji to describe it, it would be this one.😑
I used to think I was just a pessimistic, cynical person by nature, but that’s not actually true. I used to be very hopeful and always believed I could navigate my life in the way I wanted.
Well, I haven’t been able to move in any direction for years. I just sort of coast. And I am miserable. Last week someone left a lovely comment on my YouTube video about how happy I am, how my voice smiles even when I don’t. I see that I have mastered the art of coming off completely happy and bubbly, when in reality, things are not exactly smiles and rainbows. Yes, I can laugh and even laugh hysterically sometimes. I’ve used comedy as a coping mechanism for a long time, so you can see me laughing and looking like I’m having a blast, but it’s not indicative of my overall feelings about life. My life, especially.
Anyway I decided to go and tell my doctor, he was very helpful and prescribed me Wellbutrin XL 150mg, which I’m to take in the morning and gave me a referral to see someone and talk. Talk Therapy basically. I am a big believer in therapy. Some would argue that when I was in therapy, my life was still a mess, but I could handle it see? Now I won’t even try anything different because I’m afraid if it doesn’t go well, I won’t be able to handle it. Hopefully the Wellbutrin plus therapy will change this.
Right now I feel hopeful because antidepressants have helped me in the past, so I’m excited and proud that I advocated for my mental health and went and got some help.
I will be blogging more about my mental health journey and how I feel on these antidepressants, therapy, etc. Hope this helps someone who’s on the fence about whether or not to seek help. Do it. Do it for yourself because at any moment, your life could change, it could change for the better and you deserve to have some happiness. I do too. We all do.