Warning: Curse words ahead, negativity, me feeling sorry for myself and other depressing shit.So, as far as my mental health journey. It’s not going well. Two days ago I uploaded a YouTube video I thought would get good feedback and almost no one commented for hours. I finally got 3 comments, but I was really defeated by this. I kinda feel it is a sign telling me “you’re on the wrong path, give it up.”
Maybe I’m being sensitive, but if I don’t put myself out there, I don’t have to deal with this rejection. I mean, I really don’t need this shit. I thought about scrapping this blog entirely and starting another one completely devoted to living with depression and being invisible in a world in which I hate anyway so why do I care? Not sure what I’d call the blog, cos that name is too damn long obviously.
I cant even cry, is that the Wellbutrin? I don’t know. I then started to get angry, like you know what? This f’ing world doesn’t deserve me. Why should I even make videos for these people? They clearly don’t care at all that I’m sharing with them, so why bother doing it?
I looked up volunteering in my area, but couldn’t find anything that I would be good at. You’re probably saying, why not animal rescue? Well, I don’t like seeing unwanted animals that’s why. It would break my heart to see ones that weren’t chosen. I can’t take that. I’ll probably look again, but I do have a lot on my plate and really feel I should have my ducks in a row before I give back to society.
I was very irritable yesterday after the sadness disappeared. I was short with everyone and I was pissed at a few people who claim they support me, but aren’t supporting me on social media. Then I realized, maybe the demographic is wrong. I mean, after that bitch across the street from me, who is my age, pulled her crap, should I really be trying to connect with other women on YouTube? The cattiness is off the charts on there. It’s not a healthy place to be the more I think of it.
Sometimes I don’t give a crap and I’ll make a rant video and I feel like I come across as hostile. That’s probably not the best way to get subscribers, but this is who I am, where I’m at and really… Fuck these media brainwashed robots that don’t get it. I don’t want to do what I would have to do to gain a bunch of subscribers. Basically be fake, spend a bunch of money on a camera, lighting and products to review and what if that doesn’t work? Then I’m out hundreds of dollars and still nowhere. I’m starting to hate YouTube. Last night I watched Ted Bundy interviews and realized I probably should get another hobby.
The fucking world is one giant commercial and everyone bitches about the Kardashian culture, YET everyone is still participating in it to some degree. Am I the only one seeing this hypocrisy. Yes, I’m a part of it, I’m not above it. Obviously I wanted to make partner with Amazon to get affiliate links, but they dropped me due to lagging clicks.
Am I pissed about it? Yes, even if that meant a few extra pennies, I wanted it. At least to be in the same category as less than appealing people on YouTube with no charisma, sense of humor or talent, but with more subs than me. (Due to god knows what, I’ll never know) People probably like to watch less than appealing people because it makes them feel better about themselves, kinda like how I watch 600 pound life and think thank god I’m not that.
Ugh, I hate how much this affects me and that’s why I’m venting on here. Maybe it has nothing to do with social media. Maybe the Wellbutrin is not working or working wrong. I almost texted my therapist yesterday, but then realized I wrote a whole long paragraph and was about to send it to my primary doctor, not my therapist. So I scrapped it altogether because I couldn’t be bothered to type it again or even copy and paste.
That was Wednesday, then yesterday I ended up spending all night till after 11pm at the animal ER with my Yorkie who pulled a disc in his back. Oh and yeah he has enlarged heart. Now I have that to worry about. He’s on rest for 2 weeks with meds so I had to move my mattress on the floor so he doesn’t jump. I didn’t eat anything yesterday except 2 croissants and by the time all that was over and I was in bed, I just didn’t care about eating. Whatever, I am beyond done.
Whoever is in charge of such things, please remove the voodoo curse that has been placed on me by some enemy because it’s really the only explanation for all this shit coming at me once.
Oh and I’m giving my therapist one last chance to give me some solid fucking advice and not just write down and nod and listen, because I’m tired of talking, I want some answers.
That’s my fucking update. Depression wins!
If you made it this far, here’s a squirrel perched up on a post literally posing for me. You deserve it for reading all that mess.