Hello beautiful people! I have tried to write this blog post for a few days now and this will be the final draft. Whatever comes out in this post will have to be what I needed to get across.
First of all, I just want to preface this by saying that I am a Pisces with Mercury in Pisces. Mercury being the planet of communication, the planet that rules Gemini and Virgo, for it to be in Pisces is bad enough. People always think I’m vague and emotional, then ou put it in retrograde and well… things can get murky.
Last night I left the oven on for hours, but besides mishaps like that, delays, electronics going ary, this retrograde for me has been a time to go inward and get in touch with what the obstacles are, why I’m unhappy, in therapy, on antidepressants, erratic, dramatic, and in the basic sense of the word, unsatisfied.
For the first few days of the retrograde I was fine. I knew it was coming and I knew what to expect.
My birthday was that week and I was determined not to let anything spoil it, which nothing did, thank God.
After my birthday however, I started having “the thoughts”
The past thoughts, the thoughts about various ex’s, my best friend that moved to Uganda, the loneliness of life and how sad it is, that people can’t be more open with each other.
I though of how in certain relationships, I would be equally as jealous, maybe even more so, when my boyfriend talked to other women, but never let on about it. How I was “cool girl” in every sense. I never let on to my actual feelings in any relationship except one.
The First Love.
Ah yes. The first…
OF COARSE he would come up during retrograde season. Why, it wouldn’t be normal if he didn’t.
The best way I can describe my first love was Stanley Kowalski in Streetcar Named Desire.
If you have not seen this movie, basically Marlon Brando plays Stanley, an alpha male, sure, but also an uncaring, in compassionate brut who bullies his wife Stella and terrorizes her sister Blanche and eventually rapes her.
Now please don’t misunderstand, my first love never raped anyone. But his manner was very much like Stanley’s. While very passionate in the moment, a total obnoxious, unfeeling jerk the next day.
When I fell for this man, I was innocent. I had not been jaded or cynical about love and life. I simply fell head over heels and wanted to do EVERYTHING for him, his love, his approval.
That relationship soured me. It ruined me for every other man after him and made me cold to them. Then every relationship that failed after that, made me colder.
So back to the jealousy. I watched the film Bugsy, the other day and noticed how jealous both Ben Siegel and his girlfriend Virginia Hill were towards each other and I have to note that I think that is totally normal.
When you really like someone, you are going to feel something when you see them talking to another woman. If you’re a man, same thing. It’s a totally normal human emotion that for some reason we have been brainwashed into pretending that we shouldn’t care and everyone should be friends with everyone and if you are jealous, you are a “stalker” or “crazy” or “possessive.”
Now I’m not saying I want to be trapped in the house or have people spy on me, I don’t want to give up my friends or have my man give up his, what I’m saying is, it is healthy and NORMAL that men and women have these feelings. It is why people eventually pair off and don’t end up living in communes!
This is just one example of the denying of normal human emotions that I see going on, especially in America. The only emotion everyone seems to be comfortable expressing is anger.
Another thing I noticed. Everyone is very up in their heads all the time now. Including me. This is not where you want to be if you are trying to create.
The show I Am The Night, touched on this when Dr. Hodel, as a child, was a trained pianist and technically could play very well, but Rachmaninoff came to his parents house and refused to teach him. Why? Because he said the boy played with no feeling.
And you can’t be an artist with no feelings.
I am determine to get back into my heart, my body and out of my head. I don’t want to compete with the rat race or any man, or be a CEO, have fame, fortune or a thousand Facebook friends. I want to be centered and find my divine feminine again.
I want to attract the love I deserve. That committed, devoted love. The masculine to my feminine and it will never happen if I’m in my head and looking toward the media for help or even family and friends.
Anais Nin – Pisces
Speaking of the media though, I’d just like to point out that all these beautiful, rich women like Charlize Theron, Madonna, Mariah, Sandra Bullock, Ashley Judd, etc. They can’t keep a man. Why is that?
Because they are trying to be men themselves. They are in man-mode dressed up in gowns. It’s brainwashing.
I won’t even delve into how extreme feminism has destroyed the man-woman dynamic and if something doesn’t change, we will all become genderless, asexual single serving robot people, quite like what is happening in Japan.
I had a dream and woke up, I was led to a channel on YouTube by what I believe, was fate. I am changing who I have been for over a decade. I hope it’s not too late, but I can’t go back to denying my emotions and being “cool girl” Cool Girl only attracts manboys who never want to grow up, even in their 40’s, 50’s.
QUESTION: Is it so difficult to ask a man to make a decision on one woman to be with who will love him, emotionally support him, his goals, give him sex on the regular, cook, and put up with his shit? You’d think you were asking them to sever a limb. Men, you can answer that in the comments if you like.
Anyway, I’m not giving up. I made my bed, I have to unmake it and make it over..
It will take a while probably. I will have to make little changes slowly to become an open hearted, goddess queen again, I will no doubt mess up at times, but I will get there.
And that’s the awakening the Pisces retrograde gave me.
Oscar Isaac – Pisces
YouTube channel and Instagram of Candice Oneida, teacher I am working with to harness the divine feminine and manifest what you desire.
“And once you are awake, you shall remain awake eternally.” Friedrich Nietzsche~